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Just Being.

Finished a book. The Beginning of Everything. Tragedies.
Spending time alone. Headphones on. Yiruma on the background. 

Reading quotes on tumblr.

It has been a progressive last two weeks. Mentally and psychologically, I became better.

Appetite is back. which is really great. 

Connected with a friend from way back. Been hanging out during the weekends. Didn’t feel like we didn’t see each other for years. It was like picking up where we left off. 

First time to play with a dog without being scared. Feels nice.

Starting to revive sleeping personalities.

Heaphones. Volumes up. Yiruma. Cool Breeze. Inexplicable calm feeling. Just being in the moment.

In the here and now. Peace.

🙂

Aloneness

source: http://oshoworld.com/onlinemag/jul06/htm/relationship.asp


We are alone. The whole earth may be crowded but still every individual is alone. Even when you are in a crowd you are alone. This loneliness is unbearable and you want to get rid of this loneliness, so you create these relationships to forget yourself and your loneliness. For some time you feel that you are not alone.

“Man is lonely, very lonely. With this loneliness you can do only two things: either you make a world of your own or you enter sannyas. Making a world means making relationships so that loneliness can be forgotten. And the meaning of entering into sannyas is accepting this loneliness because this is your nature. Do not run away from it, do not avoid it; accept it, embrace it. This is your nature. You will not get anywhere by running away from it. You have done this in innumerable lives and you have failed. You have gained nothing except failure.
Sannyas means: one who has accepted his loneliness — now he does not whistle, he does not sing, nor does he make any relationship — he is absolutely satisfied with himself.

It is very interesting to note that the more you run from yourself the more you will have to run — the more you will get scared of loneliness. The more you accept to be with yourself the more you will be able to find that the loneliness is not loneliness but aloneness. There is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. Loneliness means that you miss the presence of the other. To be alone means that being by oneself is enough. Loneliness is painful but there is bliss in being alone. When Shankara is alone he is by himself, but when you say that you are alone you are lonely.

Being lonely means that you feel the absence of the other. Aloneness means that you are happy to be with yourself. Aloneness means you have fallen in love with yourself. Meditation means to be in love with yourself. Meditation means to make such a relationship with yourself that there is no need to make a relationship with anyone else.
Meditation means to be fulfilled in oneself. Your world, your whole world is in you. There is nothing lacking. You are complete, you are whole, you are the divine, there is no need for you to go anywhere. This inner state means sannyas.

We make the world because the loneliness hurts. We try to fill this loneliness with money, with friends, with family, with religion, caste, nation. We make so many efforts to fill this inner void because this wound is painful. But it is wrong to think of it as a wound; it is not a wound.

Last night a sannyasin came to me and said that since she has started meditation her heart seems to have died. There is no desire to make any relationship with anyone, there seems no interest in love; even friendship seems meaningless. She was very sad… because she has come from the West and in the West if love starts disappearing then people think that the whole of life is finished, if feelings disappear and relationships break, then people think that now there is no meaning in life. This is their definition. So she was sad.

We in the East have done a deeper research. We have discovered that when a person stays wholly within himself, then all relationships dissolve. It is a very fortunate thing to happen; it is not something to be unhappy about. When a person becomes stable within himself, sex dissolves and the keenness to make relationships with others also disappears. The feeling of gratitude is so much that one does not want to make any relationship with anyone. No longer will that person beg of others to have some relationship with him, no longer will he say that “I cannot live without you.” Now he can live alone. And the person who can live alone, really lives! The other type of living is only a deception, an illusion. If you cannot live alone how can you live with others?

So I told that young woman, that sannyasin, “Do not be scared, do not be unhappy. This definition of yours is wrong. This definition of the West is wrong. Be happy, be blissful; how fortunate you are that you no longer desire any relationship.”

Relationship only gives you pain and anguish. This is quite natural also, because when two unhappy persons meet how can they give happiness to each other? The mathematics is quite clear: when two unhappy persons meet, then the unhappiness does not just become double, it multiplies many times more. You are looking for the other person because you are not happy. You are not happy alone, so you are looking for the other. The other is also not happy to be alone and he is also looking at you with the same expectation. Like this two unhappy people meet in the hope of getting happiness. But they do not get happiness. It is not possible because two beggars are begging of each other and neither of them is a giver — both of them are beggars. Both of them go on expecting from each other. Whenever you love anyone you expect him to return your love.
People tell me, “We give lots of love to others but others do not love us.” How can you love? Love flows only from the heights of bliss. The river of love only comes out of the peak of bliss. You are not happy, you are not blissful, you are begging, and the other person is also begging. Neither of you has anything to give to the other, but you go on waiting to receive some love in charity! As you go on waiting the disappointment starts.
Until a person is happy within himself no one else can make him happy.”

friendship

Friendship is a beautiful gift. Treasure it. Cherish it. Take good care of it.

Notes to Self

Notes to self:

1. Do not consider something “urgent” unless it’s a life and death situation. Know what really matters. Know what’s important.

2. You only have now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow does not exist. Be in the present.

3. Relationships matter – with your family, with your friends, and most importantly, with yourself. Take good care of your relationships. Quality over quantity.

4. You are your priority. Take care of your needs first. Be true to yourself.

5. Live life the way you want it.

6. Do not compare yourself with others. It will ruin you. Walk your own lane. Life is not a competition.

7. Allow yourself to just be. Avoid, at all cost, the word “should”. It’ll drive you crazy. It’s ok to be what you are now. Accept things as it is.

8. Value people who love you. Love the people who value you. Try your best to express and make others feel your love. Love is such a beautiful experience. Let us not deprive love of each other.

9. Enjoy. Be happy. Be happy as you are. Be happy with yourself. Be happy with what you have. Be happy being you. Be grateful. Do not rely on others for your happiness. It is an inside job.

10. Set your boundaries and respect them.

11. Observe how you talk with yourself. Filter what you allow to linger in your mind. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are your best and worst companion for the rest of your life. You better take care of yourself.

12. If there is an opportunity to help people, go and help them. Just don’t lose yourself in the process.

13. Choose your battles. Know when to let go.

14. Do not lose your light. Life is hard. Life can be cruel. Life is not a fairy tail. Life has a way of knocking you down and sucking the spirit out of you. When that happens, please do not lose your light. Get back up. Dust if off. Keep moving forward.

15. It’s ok to be human. It’s ok to be sad, to feel lost, to not feel ok. It’s being human. It’s normal to be not happy all the time. Respect your emotions. Allow yourself to feel. But don’t wallow.

16. Forgive yourself. Be patient with yourself. You are a work in progress. Remember that.

17. You will get hurt. It will be painful. It would seem like you can’t stand it but don’t trust your mind because you can. You would need your cooperation and effort to pick yourself up again. Take all the time you need to heal. But please keep moving forward.

18. It hurts to get hurt. There’s a certain pang in the heart. It does not feel good. Cry if you must. Feel the emotion. Then let it go.

19. The little things are the big things. The routine. What you don’t notice because it’s always there. What you take for granted because you think it will aways be there. Be aware. You might realize their value only when they are gone.

 

//add more here

True Colors

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Forgot Gratitude

I forgot to be grateful. I forgot to thank God for all the things I have. Actually, I tried to not think about God in the past year.

I have been constantly looking for something that I do not have (or that I think I don’t). Instead of appreciating what I do have. I am blinded by all the things missing in my life. I kept my focus on what is not. I kept looking for something else. And that made me feel a sense of lack. I felt a void inside. And this was not a good feeling.

I am forgetting gratitude. Gratitude used to be a vital part of my life. Somewhere along the way, I guess I lost it. But now, it’s presenting itself back to me. Gratitude is trying to remind me how I used to be. How I should be. I should be grateful for all that things that I have. I should value this life. I should make the most out of it. Yes, pain and suffering is inevitable but, as Yui Ikari of Evangelion said, “Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will have the chance to be happy.” This is a very nice quote and it made an impact on me. Happiness is a choice. It is not something that happens to us. It is something we create. It is something already inside of us just waiting to be noticed.

Love. I am blind not to see the love available to me; the love directed at me; the love being given to me. I was focused on people who do not return love the way I expect it to. I was too dependent on someone else for the love I should give myself. Sure, other people love me but I depended so much on them that I forgot to love myself. So when they don’t give the love I expect, I get disappointed and hurt. Love is available. I should just increase my awareness. I forgot to appreciate all the love I receive. I forgot how to recognize love. I forgot what love is.

Grace. Despite my foolishness and insecurities, there are still people willing to take me.

Lord, give me strength. I feel so weak. I frequently break inside. I feel hollow. I feel alone.

Open my eyes. There are people who love me and willing to be there for me. Open my eyes. Let me be aware of their presence. Help me appreciate them and make them aware of how they make an impact on me. They are a very important part of my life. They make the struggle bearable.

God, help your child.

Jesus..

Wow. That was weird. I can’t remember when was the last time I called on you.. Jesus. I am sorry. Help me.

Jesus, I love you. I need you. Thank you for always being there to listen and extend a helping hand.

I need a hand to hold. Lend me yours please.

It’s been a while. Really. It has been a while.

I had my ups and downs. I still do.
Lately, my mind was having so many negative and condescending thoughts towards myself that I can’t help but really feel low. Every now and then this happens. It’s a recurring thing.
I started feeling sadness, loneliness, inadequate. I lost sense of everything. I kept asking myself why am I here? Why do I need to continue to move on? What’s the sense of living?
Classic existential crisis questions.

It is very painful to have these doubts about you, and your life. You feel so lost that you don’t know which direction to go and if you even want to take a step.

I also realized that I am depending my happiness and sense of fulfillment on the wrong things.
Learned the hard way. I realized that I haven’t been loving myself fully. I should start taking care of my self more, loving myself more. I should keep in mind that I am a complete person on my own. I should not feel incomplete by myself.
I can be happy with other people but I should remember that I can be happy by myself too.

I thank you Lord for providing very good friends in my life right now.
Whenever I feel low, I have people I can reach out to. They listen to me, try to understand me, and support me. I love my friends.
That is one of the things I love about life. Friends. Intimate friends. They let you see through them, and they let you be raw with them.

To my friends, thank you for being there; for putting up with me during my emotional breakdowns; for letting me know that you love me, you care for me, and just by being there ready to help.
I won’t be able to last through life without friends like you. I know I am an emotional wreck every now and then. Having you during those times, helps me a lot. You save me from getting emotionally drowned.
I hope I am not a burden.

Thank you friends. Thank you Lord for letting me know them and have them in my life.

Lord, I missed knowing you. I missed the old me that believes in You. Help me find myself again. Help me find You again.
I got lost.

Forgive me. I tried to forget You. I didn’t trust You. I turned my back on You.

Help me. I need to be your friend again. I need You to be my friend.
You are the only constant being. Your love is enough to make me survive.
Fill me with Your love. Give me hope. Please.

I need Your guidance, Your love, Your hope. Open my eyes to see You and Your grace.

I love You even though I still doubt You.
Forgive me. Please don’t let go.

Help me live my life with enthusiasm.

Fun & Rest at Work

The past few weeks have been stress free. Thanks a lot for letting me experience this once again. I learn while having fun. I’m enjoying this phase and I will enjoy it while it lasts. I hope I get the best out of this assignment. I hope to impart myself as much as I could.

Your Heart’s Desire

Lord, please place the desires of your heart in mine. Help me realize what my purpose is, what my mission is, what your vision for my life is. Lord, show me the way I should walk.

What do you want me to do?

Take my life. Give me faith to trust what you say. Give me courage to obey your will. Give me love to share.

I love you God.

Encourage me. Motivate me please.
Lift my life up. Help me see you in others. Help me help others see you in me.

God bless my soul.

Thank You 2014

Amazing, wonderful, talented team/friends.
Approachable, considerate, understanding, supportive, humble managers.
Able to mentor and impart knowledge to junior resources. It was a very rewarding experience.
Been busy with asset custodian tasks.
Requested to be moved to other teams multiple times. Wrote a few email requests for this matter. Very fortunate that my senior manager is very understanding and patient with me.
Sad that needed to say goodbye with a few friends because they chose to continue their career somewhere else but also glad because it is for their growth. Wishing them well.
The project got bigger. Met new people.
Got to attend an android training.
Tranferred to another team. Short stint here was very challenging. Felt incompetent and dependent most of the times. Team mates were very good and skilled. Being new felt that I have a lot of catching up to do while having to deliver tasks I have a little understanding of. Felt inadequate even though I’m trying to remind myself that I’m doing fine given the situation. I have to be more patient with my progress.
I got promoted. This added stress in me because expectations will be higher. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for this blessing. It’s just that I am putting pressure on myself. I am still on the process of learning to be patient.
Lunches, dinners, and get-together with college friends, and team mates.
Some loved ones passed away.
Need to establish the habit of reading the Bible again. Need to pray more.
Learned what it means to love others as you love yourself, or so I think, as explain by CS Lewis in Mere Christianity.
Finally got a copy of Mere Christianity as a gift from team Christmas party.
Had a few mentors to look up to at work and was able to express my gratitude to them.
Missed how the team were with our previous leadership. How I was able to raise concerns comfortably without any apprehensions.
First time to have a smartphone. I am still learning how to use this gadget. So far it is very convenient to use a smart phone for connecting to the internet over using a desktop.

This year friendships were formed. I feel comfortable with my friends at work. The team feels like family. I hope I still get to work with them this coming year. Praying to be assigned in a team there.

Thank you Lord for 2014. Time flies so fast. As always, be our guide, courage, and strength for 2015. Strengthen our relationships.

Please help us be patient with ourselves as You are patient with us. God bless us. Thank you for another year.

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